Life Cycles: Finding Love in the Big City XXIII

By on December 11, 2008 @ 12:00 am

Finding Love In The Big City

Why is it that the man of my dreams has a fucked up track record of failure? I guess it’s true that I believe solely on the promise of a happily ever after. Maybe that is the thing that keeps me going in life – hope.
I already know that happily ever after is never guaranteed but what is happiness to some is true insanity to others.

Me: Do you believe in us?
Him: The possibility of us?
Me: Yes.
Him: Absolutely.
Me: And the possibility of giving me a good 10-15?
Him: Excuse me?
Me: You heard me, a good 10-15
Him: (gulp) Years?
Me: No muthafucker, minutes. . . yes baby, years.

And this is where I left my unfortunate soul. Episodes ago I thought that I’d left my May/December relationship behind me as I was rolling on the canvas after a low blow. Alas it has reared its head again. Either I’m insane or this is some sort of fucked up sign from the Gods that this person is supposed to be in my life. All of my friends, family, co-workers and probably strangers reading this think I have lost my mind – that the thought of reconciliation could be in the works. Yes, I know what it looks like. I’ve heard it from everyone around me:

You know the holidays can make for feelings of loneliness.
He dogged you twice, so why the fuck would you go for a third time?
You can’t be desperate. . .
Have you lost your mind? Ditch the geezer.

And the list of notable quotes goes on and on. Maybe I am crazy, but something in me says to listen to the possibilities of the life cycle – birth, death and rebirth. Everything occurs in patterns to help us recognize how to deal with things – akin to fight or flight.

And that in the nutshell is my dilemma.

About a month ago, out of the clear sky, dropped an unexpected e-mail from the EX that just won’t seem to go away, 20+ years my senior and though we have been around the relationship maypole more times than we can count and I should be able to give him the brush off, something in me says that everyone is capable of change.

Attack of the Older Man III.

If Jason, Freddy and Michael Myers can make slasher movies with part V’s then I should be allowed to have another angst moment, right?

What is it about him that somehow makes my brain turn to mush? It isn’t necessarily his looks as I have learned to not be swayed by a pretty face; it’s more what he represented to me as my first opportunity for a Happy Ever After. Every woman recognizes that beloved fairy tale where the man of your dreams saves you from an attacking dragon or rescues you from that tower prison that you were locked into for “your own protection.” He was all of that and more – being the first man to see me for the bounty that I possess not just on a physical level but on the mental and emotional levels. With the specter of eviction at my doorstep, broken innocence and family ties and through all the turmoil whether good or bad. . . He was always there to help put me back on the right track.

But even after phone calls never returned and dates in which my love was stood up, I kept the hope that the knight that I thought he was would make more than a brief appearance. But alas I he hasn’t stayed around long enough for me to. I tear up as I write this because it not only affected my day to day it infiltrated my psyche. I allowed the representative to lead the battle instead of listening to those blank spaces between the lines where love use to live but dried up like crust.

So where am I on my proverbial cycle (no not the messy one)?

I finally understand that love should be effortless. I don’t mean that loving someone is easy, but the wanting of being together should be followed by actions to back it up. The deeper question that I need to ask myself is why am I so comfortable relinquishing my freedom? Why am I so wanting to be in a relationship? What am I afraid of?

I seem to be around so many people lucky enough to have found that partner it makes me wonder when my partner number is going to be called.

Nobody said that growing up was easy.

Categories: Observation | Relationships

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Observations
Ms. Q December 12, 2008

Aww. I feel for you. It’s the time of year when being single feels like less than one, that is for darn sure.

That older ex of yours – well..you go way back and it’s hard not to feel the pangs and tugs and attraction of a big love.

I’ve ignored advice as well as my own rational thoughts when it’s come to relationships. GO FIGURE that reason and friends were right. In some cases I knew that following my heart (or hormones) would exact ad price and it did. I can’t really say I regret paying the price as I think regret is not particularly useful.

However. I have tried to learn frm my mistakes. Is this guy a mistake? I recall your getting in touch with your power and holding up sunflowers. Seems like a great image to hold up. You are one incredible woman. You deserve one incredible man and love may not be easy but there should be some mutual appreciation going on!

When it comes to your ex, think of the timing – it’s the holidays, maybe he’s feeling the lonelies as well.  He may have all this history with you which I can understand is very attractive.

I do think that love should be relatively “effortless” – sure there is work but should there be arguments right from the start? I’m still waiting for the real thing. Maybe I’m picky. But..I really don’t think so.

Speaking of signs – the universe could be testing to see if you really REALLY want a REAL love. I had several dates with this guy during the summer. My gut was saying…move on but I made excuses and I do want to believe the best in people. But..my gut was right. Then I went out on one date a month ago. My gut was not happy. I pondered. Well..I decided to listen to my gut this time around and told the guy, not feeling it. What was interesting (ugh) was that both men were critical and judgmental but talked being kind. Both think they are nice guys. They aren’t bad but they aren’t as nice as they think. This realization of the types I attract kinda freaks me but makes me think. Like what in ME draws/is drawn to those types?

I too wait for my partner number to be called and sometimes I get bummed but…I feel that once I meet up with my guy..that’ll be it.

Love may not be easy but the move you love yourself, the more real love will be drawn. So I keep telling myself!

Keep the faith in yourself.

meleah rebeccah December 12, 2008

I once dated an OLDER man for a very long time.

I was 29 he was 54.

We were together for TWO years.
And I have to say, that was the last time I was ‘In Love’.

Lavenderbay December 12, 2008

I’m too old to give you any advice. I can only say thanks for your sharing. I will say, though, that my “May/December” fiasco was the last in a long line of ridiculous pairings before I finally found the love of my life (or at least, she has so far outlasted both of my marriages put together! ) . Keep your chin up.

The Orange Phoenix December 23, 2008

I have to say – thank you for all of the encouragement.  The holidays can get a little nuts without the companionships and not to mention that a girl gets cold at night. . .
😉

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