Turning in My Cape: Finding Love in the Big City XXI

By on October 20, 2008 @ 8:36 am

Finding Love In The Big City

What exactly do I have to offer a potential mate?  Such a random question right?

For those of us that are single, especially us women folk, the first thing that we think about is making “the list” – You know the list, that holy grail of qualifications that a potential mate should be endowed with in order to enter our stratosphere and bless our cloudy worlds with a ray of sunshine and a dose of good dick for good measure (I mean c’mon let’s be realistic folks. . . sexual chemistry is of major importance!)  After talking with an old friend about my relationship woes, she casually dropped the bomb on me – well, have you thought about the fact that you are attracting these nutjobs because you haven’t learn the lesson yet?

Me, being confused by this pearl of wisdom, scrunched up my face in child-like wonder, scratched my head and proclaimed. . . WHAT?!  I mean come on, I am a good person and I do my best to treat people (both men and women, young and old) with respect and love – the way that I want to be treated.  I mean seriously, what could I actually be doing wrong?  What is the lesson that I’m missing?

Like everything in nature, things appear in patterns.  So I’m not going to go into the scientific reason behind that stuff, but if I had to guess, it probably something about stability and recognizing and dealing with something within “one’s sphere of understanding”.  Change scares us all, so that’s probably why we fight it tooth and nail, go kicking and scratching into it and then once we reach our unexpectedly pleasant destination, wonder what the hell was wrong with us in the first place that we didn’t want to get here. 

Bullshit right. . .

Okay, so this so called uncomfortable thing called growth takes a bit of definition, so let’s get down to the nitty gritty.  It’s that Sesame Street moment when we start singing  “One of these things is not like the other . . .”  What do all of my past flames have in common, what is my pattern?

— In three sentences, please describe your dating pattern—

Even though the first word that comes to mind is asshole, I know it isn’t fair to categorize them all the same way as each one of these people possessed wonderful characteristics that drew me to them.  Each one of them brought some kind of happiness, no matter how brief it was, into my life, additionally each one taught me a serious lesson about myself.  Each one was very confident, sometimes borderline arrogant, intelligent, sensual and worldly; Brave explorers whom could use their charm to draw the world to their fingertips and then freak it to make it seem that the world or “the man” was giving them a bad break.  Underneath all of that bravado lurked that little boy that just couldn’t keep it together and somehow wanted me to solve all of their life’s problems – and like the nice and gullible gal that I am –err – was, I would.

Okay me calling them assholes probably isn’t fair, but the overarching question here is what should I be doing to make sure to not attract these types of folks anymore.

Well damn – is this what therapy is like?

I seem to fall head first, eyes open into the “SuperWoman” trap – You know her, that sista who seems to have it all together and is willing to give her smile, shirt, shoes and special sauce to the ones that she loves or even has a slight affection for and in return being left with nothing but confusion masked by a smile as self comfort . . . hmm – this is hitting a bit too close to home. . .

What do you say in response to your own psychobabble self diagnosis?  How do you refute pure self honesty? I guess I can’t.  Friends that have been through Alcoholics Anonymous say that the first step to overcoming a problem is acknowledgment – so I admit it . . .

My name is ________and I am a Super Woman. The question is what happens next?  How do I make sure that I’m not choked by my fabulous cape and clothes-lined by request from well meaning homey/lover/friends that mean well, but  as for my help as a means for their own self-preservation?

Hang it up.

Pull out that nice plastic hanger, fold up my faux super powers and place them amongst the bell bottom college worries, skimpy tube tops of that represent my sexual awakening and buried farther back in my closet, the baseball caps, neckties and big clothes of my tomboy days.  I tentatively smile with the knowledge that anytime I need it, I can pull it out and save the world, but for now. . .

The only one worth saving is me.

Categories: Relationships


Lavenderbay October 20, 2008

You may have to spritz that cape a few times with static-cling remover before it lets go, but all the power to you!

meleah rebeccah October 20, 2008

I am laughing at lavenderbay’s comment

The Orange Phoenix October 22, 2008

The cape definately has a hold on me – I’m slowly working on the separation anxiety that comes with it :)

Ms. Q October 26, 2008

Arrrgh on gaining insights – usually they HURT!

Sometimes the “pattern” can be hard to find, especially if the men all seem different. But usually something about them is the same.

I haven’t been in a relationship for so long I no longer know my “pattern.” I recall my old pattern – that of attracting “rescuer” type of men. Once I got rid of needing rescue, I attracted men who needed rescuing in some way. Yeesh.

Two male friends told me essentially the same thing: the more you work on your issues and the more you accept yourself, the less you date.

It’s true! You get “picky” because you are aware of who will be good for you and who will make you break out in a rash. Or something.

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