Stand Clear of the Closing Doors: Finding Love in the Big City XVIII

By on August 22, 2008 @ 12:00 am

Finding Love In The Big City

What is it about this 28th year that is forcing me to delve deeper into (cue the Darth Vader sound effect) DARK SIDE?  So I’m a bit spiritual and I do sort of buy into the whole numerology thing – with that in mind 2 + 8 = 10, which is equal to 1 + 0 = which amounts to 1.

1 is supposed to represent a new start, but before I can embark on the new, the old has to be buried.

——-REWIND SELECTOR ——–

Each of us have that one person whom affected you so deeply that the patterns in how you love have unintentionally been shaped by this person and their brand of love stuff.  It’s sorta like choosing your toothpaste, if you start out with a good one, it will keep you minty fresh all day every day.  The next question becomes what do you do when you have to start anew?

The man I thought I was going to marry was the story book romance come true: college sweethearts, he was 2 years older, smart, artistic, ambitious, incredibly loving and faithful and on top of all that. . . he had the nerve to have a fabulous smile.   He was my first love and he represented the gaiety and spirit of youth.

I loved hard and was broken by his infidelity and later his abusiveness.  I had to pack all of my belongings and take what every I could fit into limited suitcases and what could be carried by gypsy cab and ran off while he was at work – doing my best to not look back; faltering a bit wondering how could I erase 7 yrs of love and hoping that we could be adult enough to be friends.  While I was hurriedly packing, I didn’t count on packing the hidden anger after taking the abuse – language loaded with failure, stupidity and inferiority complexes that my love couldn’t fix.

I chose to bury the sadness in WORK – if you work, you live.  Work sustains, but no one told me that ultimately it saps your essence just as fast, especially when a mountain of issues are piling up on top of it.  If you’ve ever played Jenga and are daring or stupid enough to choose that one piece that will make the mountain collapse, then you know where I’m going.

Little by little, I’ve been giving myself the permission to someday love another, but for years I wasn’t ready to take the ultimate test.  Yet fate decided to test me:  I happen to be in my old neighborhood hanging with friends and decided to throw caution to the wind and take a stroll to the place I’d run from 2 years ago.  Am I a glutton for pain? Maybe, but you can’t invite newness in without wading into the muck.

Each block I covered, I felt my courage lessen, fear rising like bile in my throat.

Girding my spirit, I stopped by a flower shop and bought the largest, brightest flowers I could find – Sunflowers, like light in a dark room.  Holding beauty in front of me like a lance and shield, I pressed on down the blocks, my lips chattering from fear, my belly ready to unhinge and my heart crying to turn back.

Just uphill from my old home, my legs stopped as if walking was a movement I no longer had control over, my pulse skipping beats and my breathing shallow.

I re-lived the old me dying all over again: The sound of dashed dreams as infidelity was discovered, the mute tears and cries of being lambasted, and confusion to why this man that I loved and was carrying a child for, would take the lovin’ that I’d always given freely leaving me with the numbness and the cold; the free floating futility of my spirit watching my body being raped over and over again; taking it silently trying to still his rage, hoping that the earth would open up and swallow me whole, leaving my body as remnants of what had just occurred.

Holding on to my Sunflower lances, I urged my legs and steadied my spirit to do battle with my nightmares, to keep walking until I cam e face to face with my old bedroom window.  Still the same blinds, I’d picked out long ago, the outer window panes still the same as if I thought the structure would change.  The only thing that had changed was me.  Looking both ways to make sure no one was coming, I look my Sunflower lance and laid it down as a memorial to the girl I once was, the pain and sorrow of a past I was finally ready to leave behind.. . .

And then I ran like hell!

(C’mon folks, I ain’t stupid enough to get caught standing there. . .)

Running around the bend, into the train station, swallowed by the immense crowds swimming in the opposite direction.  I bounded down the stairs and like a getaway car,  the train was there to meet me, hurriedly closing its doors leaving my nightmares frozen like ice cubs on that that frigid platform, my sadness gone.  Somehow that impossibly long train ride home from the end of girlhood right into the path of womanhood felt as natural and free as pie.

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Lavenderbay August 22, 2008

Amazing. You absolutely, positively rock. Congratulations on an incredibly hard job well done!

Sue August 22, 2008

You are one brave woman…eeps!

meleah rebeccah August 22, 2008

“I re-lived the old me dying all over again”

That was a very POWERFUL statement. Wow.

This post made me sad, as I once loved that hard, and have never been able to love like that after it ended. I still dont think I will ever love someone like that again.

mangoqueen August 22, 2008

Wow! I love teh way you told that story. I can’t imagine how hard that was for you. Running like hell was a damn good idea.

The Orange Phoenix August 22, 2008

Thank you for the positive comments – This was the hardest post that I’ve written. Sometimes going to the dark side allows for the healing to begin. . .

Meleah, I do believe that it is possible to love that hard again, don’t give up, as much as it seems easy to.

Ms. Q August 23, 2008

That was a very moving post and I had to double-check that you wrote it because it was written from a “different place” and I think you understand what I mean.

You so TOTALLY go girl! I love your using the Sunflowers as both protection and a way to leave the past to rest.

I’m glad you’re still hopeful (your words to Meleah) and heck, your posts on your dates show that you’re still willing to lay in on the line for love!

It does take a lot to share something so personal, something that has affected you so deeply. Thanks for sharing. I have also been looking for love. Unlike you (must be where we respectively live) love doesn’t ride up in a bike and offer me a drink.

It really is heartening to know that you went through so much (infidelity! abusiveness!) and you have kept your sense of humor and hopefulness intact.

It sounds like you also forgave yourself. Sometimes we look back at what we did (like taking abuse) and we don’t forgive ourselves or we think we should have known better.

Regarding Meleah’s comment about never being able to love a certain way again – that is probably true in that the love between 2 people is unique to them. I would hope that a powerful romantic love could happen more than once in a lifetime.

OP: You sound like one special woman. You deserve one very special guy.

dejanae411 August 24, 2008

powerful

ShAé - ShAé August 26, 2008

OMG I feel like dancing!

Good for you! With every word I read my mind was screaming, “Run!!”

I’m glad you did. *whew* that was close. There’s a reason you left the first time. Heed the inner warnings and stay away, far, far away. Leave it in the past.

nikki indigo August 26, 2008

how powerful and courageous you are to face your past like that. one day i hope i can do the same. you’ve definitely inspired me to consider it.

The Orange Phoenix August 30, 2008

Ms. Q – u completely touch me with your words, I am speechless.

Sometimes it is braver to wear your pain on your sleeve than to bottle it in. Only then can the healing begin.

Nikki Indigo – the moment you look the fear in the face and embrace, it will dissipate like mist. Be brave.

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