When Finding Yourself Goes Wrong – Part 3: Finding Love in the Big City XVII

By on August 1, 2008 @ 12:00 am

Finding Love In The Big City

So going to the sea is supposed to be cleansing and energizing at the same time, so going to the beach with a date should bring about feelings of warmth and fuzziness right? Umm. . . WRONG!!!

If it was anyone else’s dating experience, that would be true, but this is the good ‘ol Orange Phoenix Experience, so laughter and wackiness is bound to ensue.

So to pick up where I left off – my dumb-ass decided to continue on this date against my better judgment.

Me and my ‘cyclist date’ made our way to the water with sandwiches, wine and stemmed glasses to toast the occasion. We walked down to the beach looking around for a proper spot to commune with the water and each other.

On the way, we start talking about life and he reminisces about his son, which at first is beautiful as a it is imperative that a man be involved in his son’s life, but somehow when common sense was being distributed, I guess that line was too long for him to stand on. . .

Me: So how old is your son?

Him: My boy is five. He is wonderful, a true blessing in my life.

Me: Aww, that’s wonderful.

Him: I was there when he was born and everything. You know to be honest, I had my reservations about if he was mine or not. Then I remembered an old saying that my mama said to me

Me: What was it?

Him: Well, she said that your child is always marked with something that would define them as yours, like a birthmark or something.

Me: Hmm, that makes perfect sense, my father and I have a half-moon birthmark on the underside of our arms.

Him: (proudly) Well my son had a bend in his dick – his curved to the right and mine curved to the left. When I saw that . . . I KNEW he was mine (he starts laughing), yeah, that’s my boy.

Me: (Silence)

ALRIGHTY THEN. . . the last thing that I wanted to know was that your son’s dick has a curve and moreover, I definitely am NOT interested in hearing which way yours curves. I mean C’MON, I just FUCKING MET YOU DUMMY!!


Stupidly we press forward like explorers in search of gold, we search for that sacred spot: clean and litter/seagull free .

Finally we plop down the blanket and bags to enjoy the sounds of the waves lapping at the shore. We make small talk, gaze into each other’s eyes and toast throwing caution to the wind by going on an impromptu date (after only knowing each other for oh – I – don’t know, 2 hours. . .)

So I start thinking to myself, “Maybe I was wrong, maybe it was all worth it. We all seem to have our Samsonites to carry and if he can be this romantic AND creative on a first date, who knows what date two could bring. . .”

(Yes, I am a fool, but when in quest of story, you do what’chu got to do!)

So my reverie is rudely interrupted by a lifeguard with a bullhorn yelling (in a garbed voice that only a bullhorn or NYC Transit can replicate): “Ladies and Gentleman, please evacuate the beach as there is a thunderstorm about to make shore.”

Okay, so much for thinking positive . . . and just like it was cued, the rain started to pour down on us and all of us Happy-Go–Lucky beachgoers were soaked. Cyclist and I ran for the hills. It was sort of fun – in a weird way – to share that experience, no matter how strange or needy he was.

On our way back to the train station, my date looked me squarely in my eyes and whispered: “Um, I have to go to the bathroom!” OH SHIT – now why did he have to tell me that. . .

Why are we in the middle of NOWHERE, with no porta-potty or Mickey-D’s in site and he feels the need to expound on his bladder issues?! Not only did he do that, he commenced to pull up behind a parked car and pee on it!!!

What’s a girl to do?

I kept walking like I didn’t know this silly muthafucka – ya damn right – hoped and prayed for an undercover to bust him.

Alas, where are the cops when you need them?!

As you would expect – date is officially over.

We get on the train bound for home and I do my best to not allow him to touch me with the same hand that he peed with.

Lesson Learned: Never bring garbage to the beach.

P.S.: Why did I just get a message from him inviting me back to the beach with HIM?! AHHHHHHH

Categories: Relationships

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Lavenderbay August 1, 2008

One of my neighbour’s favourite expressions is “Tacky, dear, tacky.” I think it applies nicely to your cycleboy date.

Sue August 1, 2008

*shudder* I feel the creepiness from here. Ewww.

sdg1844 August 1, 2008

I have NO words. It’s just astonishing to me the absolutely out of pocket things ppl have no pblm saying to a stranger. He is a real piece of work and not in a good way.

meleah rebeccah August 3, 2008

hahahahahah…that has to be one of The Worst 1st date stories…EVER.

Well done.

Natural August 3, 2008

What’s up TOP? Hey that was totally not planned. I had to laugh about the bent “richard” (cough cough). Okay this was an interesting first date and besides things not going to well, does he have any other qualities that may be useful…is he a decent guy besides being a little rusty around the edges. Manners, character, integrity? Maybe he was nervous…of course, if you don’t like the guy, then yeah, I wouldn’t see him again, but if he has potential….like he could worship you or something, I might look under the cap and “try again”.

I need another blog post from you now that I’m on the same page. 😉

Ms. Q August 3, 2008

I’m just shaking my head over this man’s antics. It’s like he’s the “Forrest Gump” of dating. He doesn’t sound bad, just socially clueless and from the sounds of it, he could probably be taken advantaged of.

I’m sorry your dating stories provide such amusement for the rest of us! Sounds like a good old-fashioned dinner date is in order. I like that you were willing to give this bicyclist guy a shot and really went with the flow.

I love the way you describe your dates – so funny and I have this total OP cartoon in my head with you and these (“WTF??!!”) thought bubbles and bugged eyes.

The Orange Phoenix August 4, 2008

Natural: I’m not sure if I could stand another date with this one. I think I deserve someone whom I don’t have to mold SO much, but I will keep it mind. . .

As I said before – after all of the wacky dates I have had, I think the universe is going to repay me in someway. Let’s hope that he is yummy. . .

The Orange Phoenix August 4, 2008

Ms. Q: Forrest Gump hits it right on the head. I will say it was endearing at first, but then it became borderline wacko.

Oy, why me?

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