If you remember the last time you were in a sex drought, getting it is exciting and reminds you that damn it I’m still alive and someone still think I’m fine. Well, that is what it felt like. Just like any high, eventually you come down and start asking questions and really consider what happened and if this was all it was cracked up to be.The Morning After:
OMG, I can’t believe we just did that. Wait. . . why did I have to ask him to take his shirt off? Why wouldn’t he let me see him naked? Why did he turn off the light – that is definitely NOT my style – nothing to be ashamed of. . .Well, he’s probably shy. . . hmm ain’t that much shy in the world.

We start talking and I ask him to tell me about his job and his life. He said he was a paralegal and he works in their IT dept and how important it is that his children speak multiple languages like him and his dreams. Ah still good - he’s the real deal. . . So we continue talking so I can pick his brain as something seems too good to be true. The phone rings while were talking and he excuses himself to take the call and starts yelling on the phone about people changing his shift from 11pm-7am to 4pm-11pm. I start thinking to myself 4-11, 11-7. . . wait a minute, I’ve worked with enough people to know that he is talking about security shifts. Is this muthafucka a security guard?! Did he just lie about his occupation? I try to give him the benefit of the doubt – maybe he works multiple jobs, which I would really respect, so I decide to ask him since he was so flustered. I calm him down and let him talk about his frustrations with his job then hit him with it:

Me: So, do you usually work evenings or over-nights?
Him: I usually work evenings, but I traded with someone, so I could have the weekends to myself
Me: That makes sense. So how many jobs do you have? The paralegal work and this?
Him: (crickets) well. . . only one
Me: Oh. . .
Him: I’m sort of in between jobs right now and I do the security thing to keep the funds coming in until. . .
Me: Oh, okay. . . I understand. We all have a hard time.
Him: I’m glad you understand. you’re so great. I try to use my time wisely and since you want to learn French,. I can brush up on my French during the day and we can learn together.
Me: umm. . . I thought you spoke French already?
Him: Well. . I am a bit rusty, it’s been a while. I really actually speak 2 languages only.
Me: Oh – that’s cool still. . .

Two lies I’ve caught him in. . . white lies, but still lies. We continue talking and I continue listening for the words in between the words. So it turns out that he isn’t a college graduate - 1 semester away, but dropped out. He is actually 35 instead of 30, and he has a kid that he doesn’t know if it is his, but won’t do the DNA test. What the FUCK?
After all of that, I need to eat because my head is spinning. The sex wasn’t that mind blowing that his lies would be dismissed. I ask if we can go get some food and he is hesitant and says that he doesn’t have enough money to feed us both, but. . . I’m like OKAY – enough, we can go dutch, it’s fine. I have to salvage this date/one night stand somehow. He is excited and he takes me to a buffet place. The food looked great, so I grabbed a plate and started to get food. He seems frozen, and I encourage him to get a plate:

Me: Food looks great, aren’t you going to eat?
Him: In a minute. .

(minutes goes by and I already have my food)

Me: Are you going to eat
Him: Ya know I’m more of a Chinese fried chicken and French Fry type of guy, so I’ll wait until I get home.
Me: What?! No, aren’t you going to eat?
Him: Nah, I’ll just watch you eat.

(crickets)

WHAT THE FUCK?! You are going to watch me eat? That is incredibly disturbing – FREAK! He finally admits that he doesn’t actually have any money and I get so peeved that I buy his lunch for him. We go upstairs and eat and he is so happy and googly-eyed and everything I eat tastes like sawdust. I can’t even take it – lie after lie after lie. I stop eating and the kicker is he asks me if I was going to finish my food and when I said no, he starts eating off of my plate!

He asks me when we were going to see each other again and I jump in a cab and zoom off - ugh!

Mr. 749,993 was just too hungry to keep his lies straight. At this point Mr. Do-em-in-the-butt seems like a real catch right now. . .