Finding Love in the Big City IX: A New Outlook Courtesy of an Old Soul
By The Orange Phoenix on January 23, 2008 @ 12:00 am
So when we last saw Lady OP, she was unfortunately splayed out on the canvas by a sucker punch. So I have swatted the stars that were flying about my head, dusted myself off and am ready to jump back into the shallow end dating pool… well at least I think I am. The hardest thing about going back is the self-doubt one faces just before you jump in.
Being dumped is quite a humanizing experience, sort of like drowning. If you’ve ever almost drowned, the fear and hesitation that the swimmer feels is overwhelming. It goes beyond “ooh, does this swimsuit make me look fat?” or “will the sunscreen I just put on run into my eyes” – it is more like “Do I still remember how to swim?” or “will I come back up again if I dive in?” So what does one do when you need to get back in touch with who you are – besides get a new look (checked off the list), return to the arms of the person(s) who knows you best – yes I went home to Mama & Grammy.
There is something about a mother’s hug that is renewing and sets everything in the world right again. When you are a toddler just learning how to walk, you think that you know everything – the world is your oyster – and what happens… you fall right on your ass – a rude awakening. Who comes along to scoop you up – mama. That was my cue, off to the Bronx I go.
Over a hot plate of fried fish, coconut rice and beans and plantains, I get a random piece of wisdom courtesy of my grandmother. Of course, I tell them the story and instead of ‘I’m sorry” or it “will be okay baby,” I get… ” We knew his ass was bad, but we just didn’t want to tell you.” Thanks family! Why do they say stuff like that, like its gonna make things better. BUT they are family, so they ultimately are in my corner and will look out for my best interests. Then my Grandma grabs my hands in hers, looks me straight in my eyes and offers this stirring piece of wisdom:
“Baby… I think it’s time to date outside of your race…”
WHAT?
“It worked for you sister – why not you?” (My sister’s boyfriend of 6 years is Mexican and Black, but looks more Mexican)
HOLD ON -WAIT A MINUTE!!!
Then my mother has the audacity to agree.
Okay, what aliens have jumped into my family’s bodies and played tic tac toe with their minds?! What?! From the time I figured out that I was Black, my family has preached that for my own safety, I BETTER bring home someone Black or else. There was no ”you can date whomever you like” or “be color-blind.” It was “he better be Black or you ain’t getting married.” What’s with the change of heart? It seems that they have evolved, but am I stuck in the multi-cultural Stone Age?
I’ve never considered looking outside of my own race, so I don’t know what to look for. What are the cues that signal attraction?
So for those that do know… what side of the dating pool do I jump into now?
Observations
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OP it’s a big world out there and there is fun and romance to be had in all colors. Go with what you feel. The journey will be worth it.
I had a laugh about your family knowing all along about the guy being bad news but not saying anything. I think they might have worried that if they said something negative you might want him more. I’ve seen this happen.
Go for it. Date someone outside of black folk. I’m going to tell you now: It is fun. It is exciting and you’ll learn a lot doing so. Think outside the box. You may find that those other than black will appreciate the natural you.
BTW, You are hard headed. Family and Friends no a loser when they see one. He wasn’t worth your time. But you live and learn.
People think telling you they never liked the person you were with is being supportive. Unfortunately this isn’t the case! I’ve learned to refrain from commenting on the EX – if they want to bash, let ‘em bash but I’m not going to say anything unless I’m sure the emotional coast is clear!
My dad used to want me to date only Chinese guys and specifically from some region he knew about! Now he doesn’t quite sigh but he mentions how my younger cousins have gotten married. Hmmm.
Now he’s gotten to the point of anything goes when it comes to dating..leading to marriage of course! This might be where your mom and grandmother are coming from … desperation is coloring (no pun intended) their acceptance of other races.
Up to you to date outside your race. If you’re not attracted to non-Blacks who cares. I’ve never had an Asian boyfriend.
“What are the cues that signal attraction?”
Do different races in the US have different signals? I can understand there being differences outside of the country but differences between races?
Then again, maybe a NY Black man might indicate his interest differently than say, an Atlanta Black man and both would be different than a Japanese man from Colorado.
Overall, I think that if men are attracted to you, THEY WILL LOOK FOR WAYS to get their message across to you!
Personally, I need things spelled out. I don’t think of myself as some femme fatale so men have had to resort to saying, “I’m find you attractive.”
Me: Oh. Thanks! How nice of you to say!
Man: SEXUALLY attractive.
Me. Oooohhhh.
why is it they wait until the last moment to say something?
OP: I think they wait until the last minute because they are still not quite sure if they really have changed their mind and part of them hopes that things work out.
It’s a bit of a lose-lose proposition for a friend to say to another friend, “Uh, I don’t really like that guy you’re so crazy about..” because they may lose your friendship or maybe they just won’t share anything with you.
If they tell you at the end or the last minute, the outcome is already known.