Just to note: So I made a promise to go through with this date, even after 749,995 appeared back on the scene. 

Okay, so I think that I’ve had some interesting dating experiences to say the least, but one’s dating repertoire cannot be complete unless your well-meaning friends decide that you are too pathetic and cute to be alone “Any woman that can cook like that needs to be married. . .” is their favorite phrase. So what do they do, take their two favorite single friends and attempt to put them together and hope that magic will happen – violin and cartoon hearts will appear in mid-air and then they can say at our wedding, as maid of honor and head groomsman, “Through our ingenious planning and a sprinkle of fate, we were able to bring these two lovebirds together” – yada, yada.

One of my old college roommates and her longtime boyfriend make the decision that they would match me up with their single guy friend. Of course they play up all his assets: “Girl he’s tall and dark-skinned and has a good job” which is damn near the jackpot, so I give in and allow her to set us up. She introduces us via e-mail, which by the way is quite strange, but I allow it. There is something to this sixth sense thing that I really should listen to, ah but I digress. . . So the guy and I exchange niceties and he calls me that evening. We get to talking and he seems sensible enough, college educated, employed, a pretty good talker – I’m laughing, so I’m interested, so we decide to have a lunch date.

Lunch dates are fabulous as there is no pressure to put out. . . it’s more like an interview of sorts. So before we hung up, I asked him how would I know who he was, and he said the golden phrase “I’m 6’3”, dark-skinned and bald” HALLENUJAH – the holy trinity in my eyes. There is nothing more scrumptious than a tall bald Black man – it just sets my panties a-fire. What did I say – well – “Look for a girl with red hair, not Janet Jason red, not Bank of America red, more in the Auburn family” just to be funny. I mean what else was I going to say, look for the big booty girl? Now that would have been giving away too much.

So I get down to the restaurant, which turned out to be a Sports bar, which was cool. “Hmm maybe he is a sporty guy – cool.” So I wait about 2-3 minutes and just like he said, a tall dark-skinned black man walks up to me. . . well the thing he and my girl forgot to mention was. . . he had no neck. I mean he REALLY had no neck, it was more like head, chin and jowl. Okay, okay, I shouldn’t be so superficial as I’m not a supermodel either, but there are certain requirements one has for attractiveness such as a neck. So I greet him and ever the optimist I think to myself, okay he isn’t a Greek God, but maybe he has tons of personality and charm. So we go inside, sit, order or food and talk. He starts telling me about himself and he’s nice and all, but I keep finding myself wondering where his neck went, so everything coming out of his mouth sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher – wah, wah. Wah, wah – just in different pitches. The food came and I perked up deciding that if I’m going to get a free meal, I’m gonna pick this man’s brain and learn more about him before I completely write him off.

I tell him about myself and my background, my job life and how I grew up and he just had this confused look on his face (something which became quite familiar as the date went on). He asked me “Wait how can someone be Black and Hispanic at the same time?” inquiring about my background – Strike 1! I smile and tell him about the Bronx and where I grew up and why that’s possible. Then he picks up his fork and starts dissecting his sandwich layer by layer – tuna and bread, then tuna and salad, etc. instead of picking it up with his hands – STRIKE 2! I’m sorry, it’s a problem for me when people eat finger food with utensils.

Okay, I try to think of a way to salvage this date so I don’t write him off completely. So what’s the safest topic on a date – Music - which becomes the guillotine to end this date. So I asked him about music he listens to as it will give me a peek into his personality. So he says Rap, which is cool. Then he sticks his foot in his mouth and says “only the NY stuff though – the rest of it is stupid.” And my jaw visibly drops open – I love Hip Hop, whether it be Southern bounce or NY hardcore, Midwestern lyricism etc. I ask him why, thinking “he’s college educated, maybe he will have a well thought out reason why.” And what does he say. . .” well just because . . . it’s stupid.” STRIKE 3!!!!

So his answer now gave me the right to school him because he needed it. I had to break it down into a music history lesson explaining why Southern music is important, it’s roots to the Blues and Gospel – trying to find happiness when all you got is a mayonnaise sandwich for dinner for the next week and your car is so broke down that you can’t get to the store to buy more groceries and you don’t have no money because the lights are cutoff and you had to take that money to get them back on – a cycle of hurt and pain that the music provides a release from. After all of that information, he had the nerve to look at me like I spoke to him in Hungarian! I WAS DONE.

We left the restaurant and in my most polite tone, I let him know that if he wanted to ever meet me for another date, here is the requisite reading and listening listen before you can even have a decent conversation with me and I walked away.

Okay, was I harsh. . . maybe, but his no-neck ass should have been a bit smarter than that. 749,994 was definitely a bore.